Why I cry.

In Cambodia, April is the hottest and most humid time of the year. You drip wet with sweat, it’s almost unbearable. — The heat suffocating you and stealing any ounce of energy that you may have mustered up.–
However, today it poured droplets of rain from the smoggy, gray sky. I couldn’t have been more thankful for this.
For the first time since being here I am wearing a sweatshirt to bed. How I only dreamed of doing this! I love the feeling of being able to sleep comfortably in a cozy hoodie and not waking up just to shower, because it’s too hot to sleep.

So I should be quite happy. However, my mood right now is fitting to the rain. Cold, and gloomy.
My head pressed against my pillow, just like The rain drops I felt earlier, they trickle down my cheek. But these drops aren’t from clouds, they are extracted from my own eyes.
My thoughts spin in circles, and my heart is crushing…
I cry tonight.
I cry for the people here. The women wrapped in bondage. I cry that I heard about a little 2 year old baby girl being raped today… How does that go on in this very world I live in!?
I cry because of another woman I met. She started being raped by her father at age 8 and since then the idea of anyone respecting her own body is so far out of reach, it’s impossible. In her mind it belongs to anyone as a means to survive… Imagine having your own parents selling you…
for sex.
I wish that I were making this up, it’s so sickening.

I cry for the starving children in villages in the middle of Africa.
Starving is normal to them. The pain, ad suffering that you can not subside. We NEED food every single day. It’s not a want, like you want a new pair of jeans. It’s survival. I mean, if I go a couple of hours without food I get grumpy! Heck, I get grumpy if it’s not what I “wanted.” I get upset sometimes when a barista makes my drink too sweet. Seriously!! And there are millions who die from not having food. Yet, I can even go on with my life and be so picky and arrogant over things that mean absolutely nothing. I just sound like a selfish brat actually.

I cry that so many are suffering from HIV and AIDS and that so many children are raising Children. I cry that their problems circle around the fact they don’t know where their next meal is coming from, or if they’ll be alive to help care for their siblings.

I cry for people back home. Who live in such beautiful lives. I cry because we are such an ignorant society that lives in a bubble where our problems are microscopic. I cry that not more people are willing to help. I cry that the reality of this world isn’t realty to them. I cry because so many are blind to all their blessings.

I cry for myself. I wish all of this hurt wasn’t real. I wish I could be a normal 21 year old sometimes. I wish that I could fit in, be free, and just have fun. But it’s not like that, and I am thankful to see all that I’ve seen. I see clearly what so many never see. I know what this world is about. I’ve seen the rich, glamorous life, and the poorest of poor. I’ve lived in beautiful America in huge houses. And I’ve lived in a tent in the middle of Africa.
Sometimes I feel alone.  And I feel like it’s nearly impossible to even relate to anyone my age. My last relationship even ended because I chose this life over being back home. I want and like the things that fiends like back home. I like working out. I like baking. I like shopping. I like having lazy days. I like being care free. I like being selfish and planning out my days so they please me. I like to do things to make me happy… But, there is so much more to this life than me.
Just living for myself doesn’t feel right anymore. I could spend my life pouring into a degree and nice things to show. But honestly, all of that seems pretty meaningless to me now.

I hate sometimes living in third world countries. It breaks my heart hearing terrifying stories and seeing the lives of helplessness. Where I meet face to face, and eye to eye with people who are just like me. They have a body, a voice, a heart, a brain, two eyes, a nose, a mouth. Yet..,
They’ve never slept on a bed. Or atleast in their mind a bed is a piece of cardboard.
They have been on the brink of death due to starvation or illness. Their whole world is so much darker than any I’ve ever known.
Yesterday I was just immersed, staring into the eyes of this woman who’s been trafficked for most of her life.
My heart fell, I can’t even begin to comprehend her struggles or pain, or act like I could even relate. But she is a human just like me! But our worlds are completely different. While I was climbing trees as a young child, her father was raping her.

These are only a few examples of hurt I’ve seen in this big world. It’s easy to block it out and pretend it doesn’t exist. Especially if you never see it face to face. But, in reality it’s what most of our world is made of.

There’s so much brokenness, and so much hurt. So much pain. There is such a lack of love. A lack of good parents. A lack of trust and respect.
People are treated as objects, not living, breathing people with feelings.
Why do we do this to each other?
Why is it that on this big, blue plant, we hurt other human beings just like ourselves? We know how it feels to be hurt, yet we do it to others?
It may not be as BIG as raping somebody. But we still do it.
We gossip about others, finding joy in saying hurtful things about another person. We find joy in downgrading a person and thinking we’re better. We find joy in having power and popularity. Always trying to be better than those around us.
Why is it that it always a competition?
Even our actions might be considered “good” yet our hearts and our intentions aren’t always right. A lot of people do “good” things, just to be recognized. Just to get praise.
So what’s the good in that? If you’re only helping to make people worship you?
We as people are so full of pride and are so evil to one another.
The only way to change all of this, is to look in the mirror.
We are so microscopic and there’s such bigger things going on than our own little selves.
I don’t know what I’d do without God. He calls us to love and serve. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for His calling. There’s many times I want to just give up and erase everything I’ve seen. But that would make all of this useless. I want to speak up for these humans, just like you and I. Who can not speak for themselves.
There is nothing more beautiful than loving and helping a person who can not give you anything in return.
That is true love.
Look what Jesus did for us.

So I just have to take it one day at a time. Love one person at a time. And trust that God is in control, and one day everything will make sense.

I’m no one spectacular or special. I’m a young 21 year old girl composed of many flaws. Yet, somehow God can use me. If He can use me, He can use you too.
I just want to be a voice for these people. I want to spread love. I want people to know about God. I want my life be devoted to helping others. That’s not always my heart, but that is my prayer.Image

{Matthew 25} 




3 thoughts on “Why I cry.

  1. Naynay, I pray for God to strengthen your spirit. Dean and I spent the evening listening to Randy as he shared the amazing work God is doing through people like you in the lives of the children in Cambodia. We listened to both the sad and inspiring stories, watched video and saw pictures of the people you are living with each day; your family. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you. I can, however, ask God to give you strength and courage to meet each day with renewed energy. You felt His calling and you answered His call. “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8
    We love you, Naynay!
    God Bless you,
    The Harriman family

  2. Nay, this is so beautiful. Im so proud of the woman you’ve become. Flawed or not. What you are doing happens to be one of my dreams, I wish that I could experience this with you. I think about this stuff a lot, even though I am not there. There’s nothing like actually experiencing it. You, and all the people youve met on your journey are so strong.
    I wish I could be with you. Be strong, be safe.

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